hillwanderer: (Avalonian)
I've been meaning to post for quite some time, but the girls have been a bit more demanding about spending time at the front lately. I've been content to sit back and observe, as I always do, but I felt it's time for me to write in here again. I'm not completely healed from the incident I went through, but I'm better. Much better.

I think I've talked about being the catalyst for Beth's ventures into the Avalonian Tradition. I've figured out that I wasn't only the "nudge" that pushed Beth and Em into the tradition, I'm also their guide to the Isle of Avalon.

Considering I spent nearly a month... elsewhere... recovering from a concussion, and am now just getting used to things here again, it's come as a little bit of a shock. It's something that I can handle. It's something that I welcome. I'm happy to be their guide. It... fits.

For once in my relatively short time here so far, I feel like I have a purpose.


Apr. 20th, 2012 09:05 am
hillwanderer: (hilly)
I have no idea where I've been the past month.

And quite frankly, I feel like shit.

But I'm back.
hillwanderer: (Intense)
Em has been dating Clarence for a couple weeks now. It's no surprise to me that they got together - they're very much alike, practically down to personality. What does surprise me (and her as well, I think) is how quickly they've both developed intense feelings for each other.

It reminds me of how long I have been here and haven't really developed more than simply being fond of her, loving her like a family member and a little more.

If you think about it in the grand scheme of things, I really have only been here since the end of September. Six months, almost. I am still working on discovering who I am, as much as Em hates to hear that sort of thing because Kyte used it against her so frequently, as an excuse to disappear. It's the truth, though. Aside from a fondness for 80s music and realizing my Celtic roots (and how my appearance must have been some sort of sign for Beth, pointing her in the direction of the Sisterhood), I don't really know much about myself. I mean, I know my past. On Trian. As Trout Bishop, the guy who was abused by his father, sent to military school to "toughen up", and ultimately ended up assisting in the betrayal of my entire planet, unbeknownst to me due to the fact that I was deeply brainwashed. (I did a lot of things while I was brainwashed that I am very ashamed of, one of which makes me wonder why Em even still tolerates me being around, let alone cares for me) Once we'd left Trian, I led a quiet life for a while... and then found myself here. I don't know how I got here. I don't know why I ended up here. But here I am.

And I feel miles away from the man I was, the man who was called "fish-boy" by one of his best friends, who would still hide in the treehouse in his neighbor's back yard when he became stressed out, who would sit outside with his girlfriend on the front step of her house at night and look at the stars.

The main thing is that I don't know who I am. Em is pretty solid in who she is, and Clarence? He's been around forever. I don't want to hurt anyone as I go through the discovery process. (I almost phrased it as "I don't want anyone to hinder me as I go through this process", but that would have made me sound like a jackass) I don't want to have to worry about how Em will respond to the newest transformation of Torrin Michaels, accidentally hurting her feelings while exploring something new.

So I am stepping back for a while. Figuring out who I am, before I try to handle a relationship. This is not to say that I'm leaving Em alone - far from it. She is my closest friend, and has always been my closest friend. And I'm not going to mess with that. I just don't feel I can have an intense relationship with her - not when I truly don't know who I am, and not when I'm expecting her to behave like she did when we knew each other before - before we ended up here.

It hurts, but I think it's how things have to go for right now.
hillwanderer: (Default)
Well then.

Since my last post, shit hit the fan in a lot of places. But most of the people who read this journal already heard about it elsewhere, either from Em or Beth, so I'm not going to rehash it all.

However, I have found out I really, really can not deal with body issues when they deal with the feminine bits of the body. I only tend to come forward to listen to music, write the occasional journal entry, and freak Bryan out by jokingly coming on to him. I don't really identify with this tiny woman body we happen to live in. So when things aren't... functioning as they should, I tend to retreat. And with all the issues we had from being allergic to the girls' birth control, well...

I decided it would be much safer to go camping with Ellie. Nice green trees, no freaky body issues. It was a win-win situation.

Cut for some rambling, feel free to read if you wish. )
hillwanderer: (Epic)
Thank you, [personal profile] sidhewolf, for helping me figure out who I look like. XD

Sure, Bryan isn't too pleased that I bear quite a resemblance to the lead singer of Led Zeppelin, because he hates them quite a bit, but I don't care. It's better than the anime character face I've been stuck with for, well, ever.

Man. Fitting together the pieces of the puzzle that is me is so much fun. But I'll do more of that later - Beth has work to get to, and I have Wham! songs to sing at her while she's working am under strict orders to keep my mouth shut while we're working. She's no fun at all, I swear.
hillwanderer: (Default)
*heaves a sigh of relief*

She's back. My Em is back. It was just plain awkward, sitting around here with Ellie for the past week, dealing with the fallout of all the drama the past week has shoved at us. I don't know her that well, and she spent most of the time crying, so it was just generally... yeah. Awkward.

But now things are working on getting back to normal. Which makes me very happy.
hillwanderer: (hilly)


This is the first time any of us besides Beth has been front since... Saturday? Sunday? I can't remember. It's been a hell of a couple of days here. She needs a break. She's stressing out too much over things she can't control. Things none of us can control. I've been trying to be laid back and calm about it all, but...

Em's beyond any of our reach right now. The only person out there anywhere that's been able to get some sort of reaction out of her, wherever the hell she is, was Clarence. And he's taking a break from the internet. So.


All I can do is sit and wait, I guess.
hillwanderer: (Default)
Yes, I am still alive. It's been a busy (and particularly sucky at times) few weeks here.

Spent some time just hanging out in the back, discovering more things about myself. I think I'm feeling less and less attached to my book counterpart the more time I spend here. And I don't think I have a problem with that. He's a... reflection of me, so to speak.

Okay. I'm going to stop looking at ridiculous tag names in Beth's journal and just get on with this. Anyway! I've discovered that I like hockey. A whole hell of a lot. We all went to see a New York Rangers game in New York City while we were visiting Bryan's parents, and stuff just clicked in my head. I think I may have been a hockey player in a past life, haha. I've also discovered that I really, really enjoy messing with Bryan's head. Maybe it's a strange sort of payback for all the stupid stuff he put Em through when she first started getting vocal. I have no idea. But I love fucking with him - even if I do have to do it through a translator because I still haven't gotten the hang of talking. Whenever I try, a very feminine voice comes out and it just freaks me out. It's not like I can try and make our voice drop low - Em's voice is as low as the body goes, and that's a strain sometimes. If I could get our voice deep enough, we'd lose said voice in a matter of minutes. *sighs* Frustrating. And a problem only multiples have. It's not the end of the world, but it is annoying to have to hunt down paper in order to talk, or have Em front with me in case I need to say something. At least she goes into a sort of whispery voice, and says "Trout says blah blah blah" when I need to say something, or when she's trying to tell someone about something I'm doing. Heh. I do appreciate that, a lot.

I need some time to just sit and talk to Em, the two of us. When one of us is front, the other usually tags along, yes, but we don't really communicate because one is so far front and concentrating on the world at large. I miss just sitting around with her like I used to, when I first got here. Maybe putting on some Wham! and turning down the lights might set the mood...

... or maybe it might just cause her to laugh her ass off. Like she's doing now. *rolls eyes* I just can't win, can I? She says I'm too obsessed with George Michael. So what if I am obsessed? She's all into that True Blood stuff. I'm not a big fan of vampires, no matter how pretty they are. I let her have her obsessions, she should let me have mine. Hmph.
hillwanderer: (Me)
Apparently it's "everyone figures out new stuff about themselves" week or something here in House Gembell.

I think I'm bisexual. Never had sex with a guy, though, so I'm not entirely sure, but yeah. I do find guys attractive. And I find girls attractive. So, yeah. Don't know if it's a byproduct of living in a female body, or what. *shrugs* I'm still new at this. Still figuring out what makes Torrin Michael tick.

I'm also realizing that the more time I spend with Em, the more I pick up on her speech patterns. It's a little unsettling, typing stuff out with words like "dude" and "man" liberally sprinkled in. I have to go and edit them out, because I'm sitting here thinking "Oh lord, that does not sound like me at ALL." Things could be worse, though. If that's the most annoying thing that happens from spending too much time with Em, I can live with that.

Okay. Time to wait for the washer to be done so the girls can go take a shower. Suppose that means I'm taking a shower, too, but... damn, this body is too small. And weirdly shaped. I'm not a huge fan of it for myself. It's good for snuggling and stuff, but if I had to pick a body, it'd be at least a foot and a half taller. And with the appropriate parts. I mean, I like boobs, but not on me.
hillwanderer: (Default)
Hahaha, yes! I have a new Wham! album to listen to. Today is good. :D

Other than that, not much has been up on my end. Finished the novel. Wrote some mushy scenes that I someday hope to edit the hell out of and make much better. (And maybe make happen in real life. *wink* ) Now we're cleaning what Em's dubbed as "her room". (It's really Beth's office.) It's a wreck. Especially considering the husband Bryan has been dumping the girls' laundry in here. (Good lord, my brain's still tangled in Em's. I never call Bryan "the husband". O_o) Hopefully we can get things clean and livable in here. Beth's got to prep for a workshop, and she does it better when the room's nice and clean.

Okay, time to go clean. And listen to Wham!. *grin*
hillwanderer: (Default)
Think we're finally hitting our stride with the story. We've been pounding out the words lately, and passed 22k today. Man. I never knew how awesome this could be.

Meanwhile, Em's doing better. Still handling some difficulties, some of which I don't think I can talk about right here/now, but I love her just the same, no matter what's going on. I think writing together is cementing that. It's almost like we're crossing some veil somewhere, together, and quite obviously experiencing the story together. Or it's as if we're on a stage somewhere, acting it all out. I'm not sure. Either way, it's exhausting.

I think I've finally decided on my full name. Kyte mentioned it the other night, and it just fits. Torrin Michaels. But I'm still going by Trout, because honestly, that's what I've known. It just works. But Torrin Michaels is a hell of a lot better than Trout Bishop, that's for sure.

Beth's husband is leaving tomorrow on a trip, which means we get the house to ourselves for a few days. This is going to be awesome.

Aaand Em's starting to push forward again, so I'm going to end this for now.
hillwanderer: (Default)
Despite this ridiculous stye crap we have going on, and the fact that it's either screwing up our vision (thanks to the antibiotic we have to stuff in it every six hours), and the fact that Em's all numb from stuff she's dealing with (which is not for me to talk about), NaNoWriMo is going pretty damn well. We just crossed the 13k mark, which we weren't sure we'd be able to do today, with the messed up eye and all.

At least Em's out of her room, for the time being. And she's acting a lot more like the Em I used to know. I think that's partially because of the novel, it's influencing how we act and making it pretty hard to front because we get so exhausted putting together what we say and do in the novel, but that's alright. I'm enjoying myself. We all are. Beth especially - she's been looking forward to this for a while. :)
hillwanderer: (Default)
A little over five hours to go until it's noveling time. Beth and I are sitting here, watching the NaNoWriMo ticker count down bit by bit, and listening to the unofficial soundtrack from last year's novel. I don't know if that was a good idea or not - it just makes me want to write more.

Hope Em comes out of hiding in time for NaNoWriMo. I don't quite know where she is right now - just outside of my reach, I can feel, but that's all. She hasn't slipped forward at all today, even when I started singing along to Spandau Ballet at work. This isn't good. *sigh* Wish she wasn't so overdramatic. Wish she'd come out and talk to me. She's going to miss out on all the fun if she doesn't come out of hiding.
hillwanderer: (Default)
Em apparently forgot to tell me we have another... roommate, I suppose I'd call her, up here. Ellie showed up in the middle of a trip to Walmart and surprised the hell out of me. Then again, I think I surprised her too, so, I guess it's mutual.

Beth just installed a journal-updating client thing so we can all write entries, even if we're only really checking one or two journals. Which is neat. Means I don't have to log in to my account to post when I want to talk.

We're excited about writing, but I'm pretty sure you probably noticed that from Em's entry. Beth and Em drew a really nice picture yesterday that Beth's calling her inspiration for NaNoWriMo - it's a nice picture of Em and I. Probably the only decent one in existence, considering all the old pictures of us together (that survive, anyway) were from that horrendous webcomic Beth wrote where I spent the first five strips running around pretty much naked, for no real reason except for that's how I sleep. (I'm not explaining that webcomic to anyone, it's dead and it should stay that way) I'm hoping the picture gets colored someday, but Beth's afraid she might ruin it, and scanning it is somewhat out of the question, considering how big it is and also considering the scanner's now in an entirely different room.

Other than writing excitement, not much is happening around here. I think Em was trying to have a conversation with Guin, since Guin's moving later this week, but that petered out, so here I am, trying to figure out what to do with myself until someone else decides they want to front. Besides listen to George Michael, that is. :P Maybe I'll go erase the pencil lines on that picture, since it's been inked in and everything. Not sure. I'll figure something out, though.

Oh wait, Guin's back, so time to ride sidecar with Em while she talks to Guin.
hillwanderer: (Default)
I think Beth might want to kill me, heh. We were listening to her work mix station on Pandora this morning, and Faith by George Michael came on. So I started singing to Em. And she started laughing her ass off. And Beth is all "YOU GUYS. I have to do data entry. People are probably wondering why in the hell I'm staring at the screen intently and trying really hard not to laugh my ass off!" So I mostly behaved. Until the next song came on, anyway. Don't Go Breakin' My Heart by Elton John. *laughs* Beth is tormenting me by pulling out all the ancient pictures of me she has where I have a mullet. *shudder*

I have discovered I really, really enjoy 80s music. Especially George Michael. No idea why.

hillwanderer: (Default)
I think I might be ready to face the outside world a little more. Ready to meet some people. Talk about myself.

So, I guess I'll start by talking about where I come from.

I come from what I guess you'd call a parallel world. Someplace that runs alongside this universe, but things've gone differently there. Earth populated faster, developed technology faster, and ran itself into ruin faster. Around a hundred years ago, people from Earth made their way to a cluster of planets on the other side of the galaxy - Gorensle, Felnarle, Orant, Celare, and Trian. Some were more inhabitable than others. Either way, everyone that could flee the ruined Earth did. And eventually the people that came to the planets on the other side of the galaxy formed a government. One that governed the five planets. They called it the United Planetary Organization, or United Planets for short. And those five planets existed in peace for quite some time.

And there's our history lesson on the UPO for now. Any questions, class?

Good! Now, onto me. I was born on Celare, which people say was the planet closest to Earth in atmosphere and terrain. The other planets vary in many ways - weird weather patterns, like Gorensle, which is cold since it's the farthest planet from the sun. It rains and snows all the time there, but oddly enough, nothing really grows there besides moss and weird stunty trees. Then there's Trian, which is all sand, acid lakes, and acid rain. And hot. But anyway. Born on Celare to a weak mother and a bully of a father. He made my life miserable. Nothing I could do was ever good enough for him.

He doesn't really deserve to be talked about.

Anyway. Met Em as a kid, and Nina, a girl who lived behind Em and next door to me, and we all became best friends. Nina took us under her wing, gave us a place to hide when our parents were being assholes. (If you think my father, from the little I mentioned him anyway, was bad? Em's mother was far, far worse.) Nina was family to us. And when Nina said she was moving to Trian to go study the wildlife there, well, Em and I went to follow her. At least, the Em I knew in that parallel universe. But yeah - between my father and Em's mother, we were both miserable enough to give up everything we'd ever known and move to a hot dustball of a planet, just to be happy.

We lived there for five years or so, Em, Nina, and I. Em and Nina had their own place, and I lived on the outside of town. Em and I were dating by that point. I worked at a convenience store, Em worked as a security guard, and Nina as a scientist.

And that's where things start to get fuzzy for me. There's a blank spot where I can't really remember stuff. And the next thing I did remember, I was here. And so was Em. But she was different.

I know you're prolly damn tired of hearing about how different Em is. But oh god, seeing her here, in this unfamiliar place, it helped. It helped a lot. It helped me feel this is the right place for me to be.

Something similar happened to Em, but she doesn't really remember any of it. What she thinks happened was that Em from my world somehow made her way here and merged with the Em of this world, and somehow breathed more life into her. Before the merge, the Em here in this body was quiet, only jumping forward when Beth was in danger. Afterwards... here we are, with the Em everyone's come to know and love.

And I'm trying to figure out exactly who I am. Yeah, I've taken the name Torrin, but it doesn't quite fit me. Doesn't feel right. It's like trying to put on shoes that are too big, or a button-up shirt when you're used to tees.


Call me Trout. It's nice to meet you, world.

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